3/11/06

Gloominess (is that a word?)

Why is it that the ones we love the most, are most often the ones we treat the worst? I think today was just one of the most terrible days Nathan and I have ever had. It's not even that he was really doing anything to aggravate me purposely, but I guess I was just being quite the grump! Honestly, I felt as if I were upset with him for every little thing...poor guy couldn't exactly catch a break from me.

The worst part of it is that half the time I'm upset with him (when it's for something stupid... and isn't it usually something stupid? ), I realize that I'm probably over-reacting and I should just laugh it off. But then, that pridefulness within springs up, and I just can't bring myself to let go of things. There must be something the matter with me! I mean, how could I treat the man I love so terribly?

I don't know how he can stand to be around me sometimes. It makes me cry just thinking about how horrible I can be. All I can say is, praise the Lord for such a wonderfully loving and forgiving husband! As tense as I can be, he is so easy-going and laid-back that he doesn't get angry often. I guess that's how we balance each other out. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together. (Good for me; too bad for Nathan, since he's stuck with me 'til death do us part!) Just so you know, things are always worked out between us, so don't worry that we'll be signing papers any time soon, lol! We are pretty good about not going to sleep with any unresolved issues.

I do things right every once in a while, though. Most people don't know this, but when I was sixteen, I started writing letters to my future husband. I kept them in a box, and would add to it every so often. Okay, I actually only wrote one when I was sixteen, and, like, two when I was seventeen. For a long time afterward, I didn't write any others. But then, when I was nineteen, I started writing again. I always used the greeting "Dear Future Husband." I would tell him all sorts of things: how much I prayed for him and his walk with the Lord, different events in my life, how much I missed him... which sounds weird, because how can you miss someone you don't know, right? I think nineteen was the worst year for me...when those marital yearnings just would not go away! Doesn't everybody go through that at some point? After I finished each letter, I would seal it up, place it in the box, and pray for my future husband.

After I knew who he was, I wrote one last letter, and I can't even begin to describe how happy I was to have a name in that greeting and prayer!!! I gave him the letters right before we got married; it was so wonderful knowing he was the one I had been writing and praying for all this time.

It's so weird to read them now, lol. I always think, "Just how stupid did Nathan think I was for writing these?" But, he always tells me that he loved the idea, and he was glad that I wrote him... plus, he got to get a glimpse into my life before we met. (Maybe he's just saying that to be nice!)

It's funny to me when I read through my old diary during that time, because it is filled with ventings about my frustration of having no boyfriend or potential prospects... but the whole time, Nathan was right there! I know the Lord was preparing us for each other, and I'm glad that the Lord brought us together when He did. Not too soon, not too late. What's even funnier is that before Nathan and I started courting (and before I even began to consider a courtship with him!) I "told" my diary that I wanted to get married before the school year was out. Would you believe that's just what ended up happening?!? (Well, the K-5ers were out, but on May 26, 2005, everyone else was still in school!) I had completely forgotten about writing that, and found it several months after we were married -- isn't that funny? I guess the Lord really does answer our prayers before we ask them, because I hadn't dared to pray such an "impossible" thing. But then again... with God, all things are possible, aren't they?

Well, when I started this blog I was feeling gloomy, but now I feel so much better! Guess that's more evidence of why I should focus my thoughts on blessings and not other things. :o)

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